Terms of Use
In order to use the Site, you must obtain access to the Internet and pay any and all service fees associated with such access. Obviously, eh?
(a) Individual Use. Unless you are a health care professional, you agree that you are only authorized to visit, view, print and retain a single copy of pages of the Site for your own internal use and not on behalf of any other person or entities, and that you shall not duplicate, download, publish, modify, or otherwise distribute any material on the Site for any purpose other than for your own internal use unless otherwise specifically authorized by IHP in writing. IHP posts legal notices and various credits on pages of the Site, which you shall not remove even in any of your permitted copies.
(b) Health Care Professional Use. If you are a health care professional, you are authorized to visit, view, print and retain copies of pages of the Site for your own internal use and on behalf of your patients, and you shall not duplicate, download, publish, modify, or otherwise distribute any material on the Site for any other purpose unless otherwise specifically authorized by IHP in writing. IHP posts legal notices and various credits on pages of the Site, which you shall not remove even in any of your permitted copies.
(c) Framing. You agree not to create any frames on any other web sites pertaining to or using any of the content located at the Site for any purpose, unless specifically authorized by IHP.
(d) Payments. Taxes, and Refund Policy. Our online store and/or professional services (“Services”) in our office will accept these forms of payment: credit cards issued by U.S. banks, payments through your PayPal account, iTunes Gift Certificates, Content Codes, Allowance Account balances, your first born or 3 months of assembly line work in China. If a credit card or your PayPal account is being used for a transaction, we may obtain preapproval for any amount we want. Billing occurs as soon as you check out on the website or spot us any where in town. (Yes, we can see you. Where do you think the CIA agents go for chiropractic?) If you are using 1-Click purchasing or your PayPal account, your order may be authorized and billed several times over for a single purchasing session, because Dr. Lizie has bills to pay. If an iTunes Card, iTunes Store Gift Certificate, Home Depot Card, or Allowance Account is used for a transaction, you will immediately be billed for the purchase of another card at the same amount (It’s a recession. We have a lot of bills). When making purchases, content credits are used first, followed by Gift Certificate, Home Depot Card, iTunes Card, and kidneys; your family will be shaked down for any remaining balance, including your adorable children.
(e) Responsibility. You agree that you will pay immediately for all products and services you purchase through our practice, and for all future products we offer (i.e. BMW's for Dr. Lizie, new soccer balls, and that sort of thing). YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TIMELY PAYMENT OF ALL FEES AND PROVIDING US WITH YOUR CREDIT CARD OR PAYPAL ACCOUNT DETAILS, BANK PASSWORD, EMAIL ACCOUNT USER ID AND PASSWORD, FACEBOOK ACCOUNT SIGN IN, AND YOUR MOST INCRIMINATING SECRET. All fees will be billed to the credit card, or family member you designate during the registration process. If there is a change in your credit card or PayPal account status, you must change your information with our awesome front desk staff in the Account Information section of your patient profile in our patient database; you will not get anywhere near our practice until we’ve cross checked, cross referenced, and interviewed friends and employees to verify you’re not lying.
(f) Price. Your total price will include the price of the product plus our occasional grocery bills; such bills are based on how bad the economy gets, and whether Dr. Lizie is unable to provide food for lunch meetings. We will charge our groceries only in states or provinces, which have Whole Foods.
All adjustments, sales and rentals of products are final. Snooze? You lose. Seriously, how could you think you could return an adjustment unless you are actually a chiropractor yourself.
Prices for products offered via home delivery may change hourly – if the market gets too unpredictable and gas prices increase. Services do not provide price protection and are of no use in the event you need time off from work just to get adjusted because you have a migraine.
If a product becomes unavailable after you’ve paid for it but before you’ve received it, bad luck, you'll have to wait for the next delivery. If technical problems prevent or unreasonably delay delivery of your product, we are really sorry. We'll do better next time.
(g) Use of Service. Your use of our Services locks you and your offspring into a lifelong agreement with Dr. Lizie. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR ADJUSTMENT DEMANDS YOUR PROMPT PAYMENT. IF YOU DON’T PAY WITHIN FIVE MINUTES, YOU WILL BE BADLY INJURED BY A FALLING OBJECT IN PUBLIC OR BITTEN BY A HIGHLY, HIGHLY VENOMOUS SNAKE AT HOME (These are only past experiences from clients in this position. We cannot guarantee that will happen to you. But we can say either of those events would probably hurt, if they do:-)
YOUR AGREEMENT TO PROMPT PAYMENT APPLIES TO ALL ALL TRANSACTIONS YOU ENTER INTO ON THIS SITE, AND ANY SERVICE YOU GET IN OUR OFFICE. In order to access and retain your electronic records, you must pay us $1,000 a month.
We are not responsible for typographic errors. (To be clear: $1,000 is NOT a typo in the second to last sentence.)
(h) Privacy. Except as otherwise stated in this Agreement, the Service is subject to our Privacy Policy.
(i) VERY BAD THINGS THAT YOU CANNOT DO
We want you to like us, we do. But the internet is dangerous, and we don’t like danger spilling over onto our website. So while some of this may seem OBVIOUS, we have to tell you because sometimes its good to be reminded. So when using our site we expect the following:
- Don’t Spam, or use this site to sell your crap without our permission. This isn’t the classified section of the newspaper;
- Don’t give us viruses or try and hack your way into our computers;
- Don’t post comments on our blog that are useless;
- Don’t be a robot. Robots are evil. That means don’t use auto posters that are meant to leave things like: “Your blog has great informashun!" or "Thank you! Best content eva!" or "Owe me a Coke in 1988." or "My wife tells me about your site every night at dinner; and I say I'm sure you're right so she'll just bring me to your office" with anchor text to your weird and x-rated site about “Best Los Angeles Dog Groomers.” Seriously… just don’t do such a thing.
- Don’t be a jerkface. A jerkface is someone who discriminates, defrauds, hates, or acts like an belligerent idiot. Don’t do any of that behavior within a forty mile radius of this awesome website. We’ll ban you for life, and send Gremlins to subluxate your life.
- Don’t post things that you’re not supposed to or don’t have permission to post.
- Don’t do other things that we don’t like, which is up to us.
- Don't disobey God's Ten Commandments. I mean really, I'm not sure whey you would anyway, so you don't need us to tell you. Listen to Him. ;-)
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